If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, I’m here to tell you there is hope.
Sometimes I can see myself when I am walking down the street- it’s almost as though I am hovering behind myself, and I can even see my ponytail swing as I walk. It sounds strange, even crazy, when I say it like that, but it’s hard to describe it otherwise. In these moments I seem to step outside myself and become an observer; and it’s as though I am floating, invisible, above myself. And as I hover there, watching, I see the way my other self moves about the world and become amazed. I appear so well adjusted, so confident, so strong and sure of myself. I am always surprised by this observation, and I stand back and applaud, “Look at you go! You are maneuvering through this big scary world with such grace and authenticity – My how far you have come!” And then I feel these 2 separate selves re-unite, finding comfort in a loving and joyful embrace that makes my heart melt. A smile spreads across my face and I think to myself “I really am doing well, aren’t I?”
I get so caught up in who I used to be, that it’s easy to forget who I have become. I was this fragile, terrified little girl for as long as I can remember. I would get nauseous just anticipating walking into the grocery store. Just the thought of meeting new people sent my skin crawling and my stomach turning. I would avoid eye contact at just about any expense, because small talk almost always accompanies eye contact. I dreaded small talk. But even worse, I feared the sound of my heart pounding against a backdrop of silence. The silence was deafening. It was panic inducing. It was horrific. I just wanted to hide away. I felt this hopeless desperation deep down to my core, and longed to be able to crawl out of my skin and disappear, never to return.
But that was the old me. Or more precisely, that was the incomplete me. Now, I feel as though a new soul inhabits this body of mine. She stands tall instead of crouching out of sight. Rather than running away from the unknown she looks it dead in the eye and simply, calmly, says “Tell me a little about yourself”. Her aura is golden and glowing and she radiates joy and passion. The most incredible part of her is that she is real; she is authentic. Her joy and confidence are rooted deep in the core of her existence. With this new soul residing within me I can float through the world with my shoulders drawn back and my gaze lifted.
My old, anxious soul still lives beside the new, and watches her in awe. They work together as a team to keep me grounded. I still have moments of introversion where I simply can’t muster the energy it takes to make a phone call or run an errand. But even in those moments, I look lovingly inwards and watch as this new radiating soul nurtures and cares for the old. Together the 3 of us protect and honor each other.
Every so often, I forget that I am not alone, that I have these 2 souls with me wherever I go. I often have to remind myself that I am no longer faking it. I’m not putting on a good face, or pretending anymore. This is who I am now. This is me. I learned who I am, how to create balance in an ever changing world, and most importantly, I have finally found comfort in this flesh. What a glorious feeling it is to be confident in each step you take, never looking down to wonder if the earth will catch your foot. What a glorious feeling to feel whole, to feel that you were meant to be. What a feeling, indeed…